my experience with him in LA was like a bunch of nerves, bursting of emotions, embarrassments, so much of discovering outs and a lot of emotional turmoil. i can't or will not remember our wedding ceremony together. it was like a bunch of shyness and self keeping of opinions for my self and i don't know what my honey has been thinking and feeling that time. we even don't have pictures because the photographer asked $100 for the copies of pics and when i looked at them, they're not worth it. i simply not look my best.
life moves on. i've been here for almost 2 months now. my life is so different from my life in the phils. i keep telling my honey...i'm still feeling like the phils. is still my home where in fact we'll be here for quiet some time. well, 2 months is not that long yet though. i do love my honey and in between heartaches, pains and sacrifices...we have happy moments together. and i'm glad...well...pretty thankful to God that we're together. i love being with him. it's just that the toll of life and my lonely struggles to belong and stand on my own two feet that's making this life a bit sad.
i discovered some drawbacks and wonderful things in the US since I arrived. I wanted to ride the bus so I could at least explore on my own but my honey doesn't like me riding alone without a cellphone. ohhh well.... the US is a lonely place to be especially if you're new and don't know how to drive and of course...don't have a car just like me.
for me, phils was like a beautiful dream for me...and that the US is when the time i woke up and realized i was living on a dream and that i need to face reality now. facing reality is not really a bad thing. reality is the present and that's where i am now. i need to go out from my comfort zone and face what's God in store for me here.
i thought marriage is like a partnership, a give and take relationship, a love after love as the way my honey says it, but life is unfair and not perfect. marriage for me now...is not that ideal......... yet. but i know this will pass by and another one would come along to challenge as always. i wanted to be always appreciative of what i got, i really do. but the human in me...would always want to shout out and complain. which i shouldn't have.
what i could thankful for is that, my husband is my bestfriend. he's the one i talk to everyday...and i can say anything to him. thanks to him,he is very patient, understanding and he told me...he is a caring and loving husband. maybe he is. but he needs to work more on it cause sometimes...i can't see it. or maybe i'm just blind or not appreciative. i don't know.
i'm looking forward for a better future. i miss my family back home. i miss them so much. now i realized how much they love me, how much they care for me compared to how i am cared and loved now based on how i feel.small love, big love...i welcome them all. small love is better than no love at all. i know that one day...small love will grow into a big love. i can't wait. pls pls pls pls....come. and i pray...that i would know and feel the love. pls give me the wisdom to know that it has grown into a BIG BIG love. pls come to me...LOVE.
